What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 17:28
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As an inmate did you have to live alongside a bully for your whole sentence?
I was very sick at this time too.
But it wasn’t much.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As a guy, how do you know you if you are considered attractive?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
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She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i do to all so called friends.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
We all went to grammer schools
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was scared of men, in general
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Comes on , in middle age.
I said to her
We were not on the streets..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Who then, do I blame.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I write beautiful poetry .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She married twice! .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I have no regrets .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He knew the spot.
I will be 64.
So, i spoilt her more .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I think the readers, may guess!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was 9 years of age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She found it foreign!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So whats the point in blame.
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My life is so biszare .
Was to survive, this bastard.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i lived it daily.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She loved him until the end.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
When she asked me how she looked .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is soul school!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It was going to be , some day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.